I MISS YOU

Its been almost a year that you're gone.7 months full of pain yet you did not give up.You fought as much as you can yet, god had some other plans for you.October 2008, that was the toughest month for you. You were diagnosed with rectal cancer.You didn't give up.You were ready to fight and had confidence that you would be fine again.First was the chemo.You were hunched after the chemo.I barely remember seeing you walking straight, with your chest wide opened.I thought I would but I never did.Never once I cared to sit beside you and talk about what you were going through.I dont know what I was thinking.I knew you had cancer but in my mind it was "oh, its just cancer, you'll get over it".Not even a second, I though that it'll take your life and leave me eternally.I saw how you suffered, mouth full of blisters and couldn't eat or sleep, vomiting everything that you ate with so much struggle...now I realize.I should have been there, talk to you, console you.I missed the chance to show you that I do care but was not good in showing it.Pointless to regret yet I do.Only now, I'm trying to imagine how you would have felt, how painful it must have been.All I wished for was for that phase to past fast but never for you to leave me fast.I still remember, there was once, I was eating and you vomited and you said to me "I'm sorry, i know that's disgusting"...only god know how I felt when you uttered those words.I did not feel disgusted at all.I felt so sorry for you.Only after that moment, I realized, how bad you felt about yourself.You felt that you were burdening us, didn't you?I swear you did not.You were too good.24 years you supported me but when I started working and it was time for me to take care of you, you left. When we thought everything was going to be fine after the surgery, there the doc goes again, asking you to do the chemo again.I was tired with it but you were not.You were so eager to complete the treatment so that you'll be free again.You were not aware that it wasn't the end of the treatment but the end of your life.After the surgery and chemo, you became extremely weak.You could barely speak.I forced you to go to hospital because I couldn't stand seeing you suffer so much.You were hesitant.I didn't know why but now i know ; you were scared.You knew that you were not coming back, didn't you?I remember, on 15/05/2009, I sent you to hospital.That was the day you stepped out of the house for the last time.It was my fault, I forced you.I dont know what exactly happened.Was it the effect from chemo?Did something else go wrong?Too many questions, left unanswered.You were still walking and breathing like normal.17/05/2009..i came to visit you.You had your last meal.Then, you had breathing difficulties and they put you on life support machine.The last word I spoke to you, "they are going to put on the machine", I saw the fear on your face.You were unconscious till 19/05/2010 when they pronounce that you were dead due to multiorgan failure, pneumonia and rectal cancer.That's soo much of pain. ill now, I cant believe or accept what has happened.I don't know what to do coz i miss your presence here.I hope you are fine.I hope you are in peace.